Post 2 ֎ Fears

“A number of pitfalls exist in our current dating and courtship culture, including (a) a growing pessimism about marriage and a focus on personal independence before and after marriage, (b) a primary focus on personal financial independence for both men and women, (c) widespread sexual permissiveness, and (d) high rates of couples living together before marriage” (Hawkins et al pg. 3).

The fear that I started having as young boy was reinforced in two ways. First by the things, my grandmother told me and second by the realities of day-to-day living in my parents’ home. It was hard for me to see things from a different perspective simply because I did not have one. This view led me to think of marriage in a very pessimistic light, added to this was the amount of divorce I had noticed in both sets of grandparents and friends parents at school and later on work college's failed marriages.

“The most perfect music is a welding of two voices into one spiritual solo. Marriage is the way provided by God for the fulfillment of the greatest of human needs, based upon mutual respect, maturity, selflessness, decency, commitment, and honesty. Happiness in marriage and parenthood can exceed a thousand times any other happiness” (James E Faust)

My mind was clouded by these two predominant reinforcements, and I failed to see the good that my parent’s marriage brought to my life and the life of my siblings. This is something you appreciate only when you get married and become a parent yourself. As an adult I can see what really matters and what does not. While financial security is important to a family’s well-being and sense of security, there are things I took for granted.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things (1 Cor 13:11).

For most of my childhood, my mom was at home while my dad worked. She was there to pick us up from school, help with homework assignments, make smiley toast lunches, and take us to the park. We might not have had the best material things growing up but we had first class care, care only a mother can give. She was there when I had to get stitches, when I was sick or had torn ligaments. She has always, and still does, put her children above herself. Mom and dad provided sufficiently for our needs as best they could, but in this aspect gave us something not many children in the world today can say they have- a stay at home mom.

“Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother’s image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child’s mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world”(David O. McKay).

“When a mother is consistently available and supportive, the child receives the physical and psychological security necessary to foster playing, exploring, and appropriate social behaviors (Bretherton & Munholland, 1999). If this security is threatened, fear activates the attachment system to help restore access to the attachment figure. Fear that is not appropriately addressed seems to lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, aggression, and defensive distortions of vulnerable feelings (Kobak, 1999). In contrast, a secure attachment enables a child to develop feelings that he or she deserves love, feelings that help him or her learn to appreciate, understand, and empathize with the feelings of others and appropriately regulate relationship closeness and conflict resolution (Bretherton & Mun-holland, 1999). These findings did not suggest that every child with an insecure attachment necessarily experienced problems. But the insecure attachment seemed to initiate pathways associated with later pathology (Sroufe, Carlson, & Shulman, 1993). These findings led researchers to conclude that the way a mother interacts with her child, her maternal sensitivity, is the strongest, most consistent predictor of her child’s cognitive, social, and emotional development” (Hawkins et al pg.132).

If you consider the two statements above, think of this question. Can you place a monetary value on the influence a mother such as this would have on her children? My wife and I are keenly aware of how economic pressures make it impossible to have this ideal in our modern era. I mention this because I wish I had appreciated the higher ideal I was exposed to, a mother who stayed home.

In preparation for marriage I think that most young men and woman hope for this ideal. This may be a contributing factor that encourages individuals to put off marriage. It is my opinion that we get married so that we can journey together the rough parts of our life journeys. It is definitely an adventure and so much better when you have a significant other on your side.

While there are a lot of fears I can address in this post I would like to address one more. This is the recently categorized new phase of life called. “Emerging adulthood”

Emerging adulthood: A new period in life between adolescence and adulthood, this has come about over the last quarter century. This resulted from a rise in the median age of first marriage for men and women it currently sits at its highest 26 years for women and 28 for men. (Hawkins et al pg. 3) *median age-Age at which most individuals get married.

Due to the fears that resulted in conversations like those that I had with my grandma. Most young adult men and women feel that they need to achieve certain things before getting married. This includes getting an education, a home and even being able to pay for a lavish wedding.

At the age of 21; I got a job with a local bank. I chose the bank because I felt that it was a reliable institution and that I would be able to work my way up and make a good living or future for myself. By the time I turned 23 I was still in the bank’s call center but was not where I had envisioned I would be. Me, a single man with the income I was earning, would never be able to move into my own place, I would be stuck staying with my parents until I had at least worked another 4-5 years to move up the corporate ladder. I feared that I would never have enough to support myself, let alone a wife.

At the age of 23, I met the girl of my dreams and after three months of dating we knew that we wanted to be married and spend the rest of our lives together. I just knew it and no promise to grandma or feelings of not being financially ready was going to stop me. This was the best choice I could have made for myself. It was because I got married that Katherine and I could afford to rent a place, it is Katherine’s budgeting skills and financial shrewdness (thanks to her parent’s parenting skills) that got me to manage my financial affairs more effectively. In my case, two became better than one.

While I might be painting a picture that grandma was the wicked witch of the west. I hope that you do not think of her this way while reading this blog. I love her and I have a great relationship with her. In fact, I got Grandma’s blessing before we got married. She has taught me many other truths and principles that have contributed to me being the man I am today.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. – Moses 3:24