Post 6 ֎ Marital Sexuality

“We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

I approach this subject from the standpoint of complete sexual abstinence prior to marriage. Subjects such as co-habitation and sex before marriage, as studies show does not contribute to the long-term success of a marriage. This entry will deal with marital sexuality, something I feel many young couples need to be educated on prior to ‘tying the knot’.

“A recent study using a national sample found that couples who cohabited before engagement (43.1 percent of couples) reported lower marital quality and greater potential for divorce than those who cohabited only after engagement (16.4 percent of couples) or only after marriage (40.5 percent of couples) (Rhoades, Stanley, & Markman, 2009)” (Hawkins et al pg. 6).

I come from a family where conversations about sexuality was seen as a taboo. My siblings and I only received “the talk” and that was it. My wife, on the other hand, comes from a family that were more progressive. Sexuality was discussed openly and at any time information was given from her parents where needed. When we were first married it was difficult for me to speak about sexual intimacy, because of how I was brought up. It took me a while to change my mindset.

“Sexual problems are a major cause of divorce in the first two years of marriage. Anticipatory anxiety, awkward and unsuccessful sexual experiences, and a cycle of avoiding sexual interaction contribute to early marital sexual problems (McCarthy, 1998). According to McCarthy (2003), an expert in marital and sex therapy, approximately 1.5 percent of marriages are not consummated in the first year, and husbands and wives typically avoid marital discussions about their sexual interaction when they are having sexual problems” (Hawkins et al pg. 52)

Arousal cycles for a male are a quick, rapid succession of events that lead to satisfaction. A female’s sexual satisfaction is linked more to the build-up (foreplay) that then leads to the orgasm stage. Young married males may come from homes like those that I did where this sort of thing was never discussed. He may then initially become a “selfish lover” where his needs are met and not his wife’s. Initially, the wife may think that it will improve over time and not mention this to him. The problem with this is that, if it is never addressed then it can lead to serious dissatisfaction in the long run of a couple’s relationship.

“Godly sex is so much more . . . than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component. . . [A] deeper connection [within sexual relations] goes far beyond simply understanding how to over-come sexual dysfunction. . . . It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection—not just with our bodies but also with our souls.” (Hawkins et al pg. 50)

When a couple sits down and talks about these things, then it creates a different dimension of a couple’s closeness, especially when it is discussed after marriage. Both need to sit and discuss what they like in sexual intimacy and both the individual’s needs should be met. The blessing we then have in marriage is that we have a lifetime and forever to improve our sexual intimacy. Continual discussions and improvements made in this regard will contribute to a marriage that grows stronger over time. Anything worthwhile and lasting relationship is not created overnight but, when worked on, is achieved as a partnership over time, creates something worth fighting for and something we will treasure close to our hearts.

“Human intimacy is reserved for a married couple because it is the ultimate symbol of total union, a totality and a union ordained and defined by God” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “Personal Purity,” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 76). “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31)

"Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, and when it is used in the way that God has commanded, it brings great blessings and joy. While many in the world portray sex as casual or crude, the gospel teaches that sexuality is a powerful gift from Heavenly Father and that it should be used within the bounds He has set, with wisdom and reverence." (Eyring, Henry B. “Sexual Intimacy Is Sacred and Beautiful” General Conference, October 2009)