Post 3 ֎ Romantic development

“This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.” – Gordan B Hinckley

Awareness & Acquaintance Stage

“Those who question their own worth as a potential eternal companion or have negative evaluations of others will often avoid relationships for fear of being hurt, or, conversely, they may anxiously and inappropriately pursue relationships too vigorously” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

As youth, both my wife and I attended young men and young women activities offered by our church. One of the activities that we did was making a list of qualities we would like in our future spouses. The list had to be specific and we were encouraged to list qualities that we would be willing to work on ourselves. While doing the activity I never realized how important and valuable this exercise would be to me in the future. Below is a picture of the list I made:

Insert list here

It was during this stage that I realized that Katherine had met most of the qualities on the list. Little did I know that she had made a similar list when she was in the young women’s program. The advice we got when making the list was to work on developing these qualities and not to expect the other to have it. Each of us did, so as we got acquainted we realized subconsciously that we met qualities on each other’s lists. Now the interesting thing here is that we did not have to go scratch up the list from a memory box somewhere to check and see if the other party met these requirements. Remarkably, it is something your brain remembers and while packing up our childhood bedrooms we both found our respective lists, and realized that both of us were a 90% match for each other’s list. I challenge every man or woman to do the same.

“It may seem a long way off now, but marriage is one of the most important decisions of your life. Your teenage years are not the time to make that decision, but proper dating will help you prepare to make that decision when it is appropriate. Dating will give you opportunities to develop social skills that will help you become confident and attractive to the young women you date. You’ll come to understand and be attracted to those with the qualities and characteristics that will be important to you in an eternal companion.”(New Era; April 2010 pg 7)

(Explain picture of us laying on the grass at Young Single adult Convention)

I believe that the quote above applies to all who are searching for that special someone. Looking for qualities in your spouse begins with developing those qualities yourself. The quote also alludes to the fact that the qualities you develop or search for in a companion play a important role in the physical attraction you feel toward each other. Below is a picture of my wife and I at a young single adult convention prior to our dating period. We are resting on the grass after lunch. Nothing was said and yet both of us wanted to be near to each other and both of us experienced powerful feelings of attraction.

“Figley (1979) found that when attraction is high and the probability of acceptance is high, individuals will typically present themselves as they really are without exaggerating their positive attributes or cloaking their negative ones. This typically leads to more success in making an initial approach.” (Hawkins et al pg. 19)

Dating & Engagement (Build up phase)

There is a lot to be said for traditional dating methods. In my Afrikaans culture one of the old fashioned methods was called “die opsit kers”, it does not translate well into English- “The up sit candle.” Both boy and girl would sit talking while a candle burned in the center of the table when the candle was done burning it was time to go home.

In the Twilight saga Edward Cullen says something that modern society has lost today: “I'm from a different era. Things were a lot less complicated. And if I'd have met you back then, I would've... courted you. We'd have taken chaperoned strolls, and drink ice tea on the porch... I may have stolen a kiss or two, but only after asking your father's permission. I would've got down on one knee and asked for your hand in marriage” (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)

I still remember the butterflies, the sweaty palms and the nervousness as I asked Katherine if we could be girlfriend and boyfriend. I remember the elation I felt when she said yes. I felt like the luckiest guy on earth and looked forward to the company that I would keep with her. Our dates were never expensive. Most of the dates we had were chaperoned picnics in the park or walks in our respective parent’s neighbourhoods. The great thing about the young single adult program our church offered is that we had a lot of activities we could attend that were inexpensive. The key is inexpensive; dates need not be pricey the key here is getting to know each other. When there is an expense that needs to be paid the man should preferably pay for it. I am grateful I did. We did have occasions where both of us contributed towards the date but then it was planned and agreed on ahead of time.

“Probably the best marker of having moved into the B or build-up phase is a first date. Elder Dallin Oaks (2006, p. 8) defines a date as: “(1) planned ahead, (2) paid for (by the man), and (3) paired off.” Most people seem to prefer being friends before moving into a possible romantic relationship (Guerrero & Mongeau, 2008).” (Hawkins et al pg. 20)

“The meaning and significance of a “date” has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market. I saw this trend beginning among our younger children. For whatever reason, high school boys felt they had to do something elaborate or bizarre to ask for a date, especially for an event like a prom, and girls felt they had to do likewise to accept. In addition, a date had to be something of an expensive production. I saw some of this on the BYU campus during the ’70s. I remember seeing one couple having a dinner catered by friends on the median strip between lanes of traffic just south of the BYU football stadium.”(Oaks, Dallin H; “Dating versus Hanging Out”)

Dating for Katherine and I only lasted about 4 months. We started dating in the March and by the June we knew we wanted to be together. The process for us was also spiritual,l we wanted to know for ourselves if the other person was the right one to marry. We fasted and prayed and answers came to us differently. I just knew and I knew early on so by the time I got to pray about it the answer was that I already knew the answer. Katherine experienced it a bit differently. Her request was that the Lord would make it obvious here is her journal entry:

“Mike and I have been dating for a while now and THAT question came up! We decided to fast and pray about whether or not we should get married. I think I know but I’m so bad at knowing if I’ve received the answer the Lord wants to give me or if it’s just what I want. So I made a deal… cheeky I know, but it’s the only way I’ll know for sure. I asked Heavenly Father to make it blatantly obvious for me- like frying pan to the head obvious for me. I mean at least if He had followed my desires and just had him fall in to my lap like I asked the first time I wouldn’t have to go through all this angst. I should have taken Marie up on her offer to trip the one for me!”

“True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them” (Hawkins et al pg. 20).

I made plans to get engaged. The biggest fear I had was asking my future father- in -law for his daughter’s hand in marriage. I was terrified of him but I knew that I wanted to do it this way. It was a Sunday afternoon. Kat and her mom were at church and I slipped out to go ask her Dad. At the house he was preparing Sunday lunch and I drove up there and sat down with him. I cannot remember how I said it but I just remember being elated that he had said yes and given his blessing.

That afternoon, we went for a walk to the botanical gardens near our home it has a picturesque waterfall and this is where I knelt down and proposed. We had spoken about engagement details and her only requirement was that it was not to be done with crowds of people around. At the waterfall I found a little pathway that led to a bench surrounded by trees. Here I knelt down and asked for her hand in marriage. It was a wonderful moment once I got her to stop complaining, I had knelt down in the dirt in my newly dry cleaned suit. I believe my words were “shut up and don’t ruin the moment”. Real slick right!

Sliding versus deciding. Stanley, Rhoades, and Mark-man (2006) found that people who make relationship transitions (such as dating exclusively or engaging in sexual intimacy) without thorough deliberation ran the risk of “sliding” into the next stage of a relationship rather than “deciding” to move forward. Without a deliberate discussion and decision, the couple is likely to slide through transitions into a marriage that they did not really commit to. Based on these research findings, individuals who do not thoroughly discuss the status of their relationship as it progresses and where they see the relationship going in the long run might be putting themselves at risk for an unhappy (if not short-lived) marriage. (Hawkins et al pg. 22).

This story is priceless and I am glad that I did things the old-fashioned way. It helped build a strong foundation, which is something I will write about in my next post. Sure I had fears but who doesn’t? I was a shy guy, not an extrovert but there was something about going through this process that contributed to the strong foundation in our relationship and resulted in me being a better man. It was only when I went through this process that I realized how effective and important this stage is in marriage preparations.