Post 4 ֎ The pitfalls of co-habitation.

“We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

I have a sister who cohabited with her boyfriend for 8 years! He only became her finance by year six and a half, after the engagement, attempts made by my sister to plan the wedding or put a specific date on it was always pushed back. My sister could not understand why by the end of year 8 in their relationship they had to go to couples therapy. At that point my siblings I mentioned to her that there is something wrong if you have to go for couples therapy and you have not tied the knot yet. In the end, they broke it off.

During this time of their co-habitation my parents, siblings and I made every attempt to integrate her boyfriend into the family, make him feel loved and accepted. He never felt this, I believe it was because he was never committed to the relationship with my sister. My sister constantly mentioned how he felt like an outsider when what we always tried to do was include him.

Recent research in 30 European countries even confirms a significant happiness gap between married and cohabiting individuals except in those countries where approval of cohabitation is deeply embedded in legal and social norms (Soons & Kalmijn, 2009). (Hawkins et al pg. 72)

I am happy to report that she has since got married this year to a fantastic man and they will be sealed on the 26th of December in the San Diago temple. My sister is almost 30 and one of her regrets is not breaking up sooner. She also regrets trying to make a relationship work where there was never a commitment in the first place by either party. She also then worried about her biological clock and hoped that she had not missed the opportunity to bear children, thankfully she is currently pregnant with their first son.

As I studied the material on co-habitation, it re-affirmed to me that what may seem better in the world’s eyes is not necessarily the best for individuals experiencing it. In my sister’s example, her boyfriend already had a home, a girlfriend, two cars, two incomes life was good and why would marriage make it any different. My sister also experienced heavy depression and was never happy, which she admitted after the breakup.

“Living together not only failed to compensate for marriage, but was also associated with decreased chances of happiness, health, and financial security. Yet another study (Holt-Lunstad, Birmingham, & Jones, 2008), this one in behavioral medicine, probed whether relationships like friendship could replicate the benefits of marriage, asking as part of its title, “Is there something unique about marriage?” The authors researched whether an above-average social network of family and friends could compensate, in terms of psychological and cardiovascular health, for not being married. Interestingly, “there does appear to be something unique about the spousal relationship,” conclude the authors, “as other relationships did not compensate for the lack of a satisfying marriage” (Hawkins et al pg. 74)

Contrast this with my younger sister who, married at age 19. The comments were all negative from all social boards (Non-LDS extended family, even by some members of our homeward in South Africa). She finished school and the next year she was married. No one believed that she was doing the right thing. She and her fiancé at the time were constantly bombarded with negative comments and resulted in both of them feeling depressed as the wedding date drew closer. Currently, they have been happily married for 2 years and are both stronger and happier individuals. They achieved and conquered what seemed like insurmountable goals. One of the goals was remaining debt-free as they moved to her husband's native country, England. Compared to the mountain of debt my other sister was left with after 8 years of cohabitation. I believe that the institute of marriage helped them reach this happiness.

“Our knowledge of God’s plan for His children explains why we are distressed that more and more children are born outside of marriage—currently 41 percent of all births in the United States—and that the number of couples living together without marriage has increased dramatically in the past half century. Five decades ago, only a tiny percentage of first marriages were preceded by cohabitation. Now cohabitation precedes 60 percent of marriages. And this is increasingly accepted, especially among teenagers. Recent survey data found about 50 percent of teenagers stating that out-of-wedlock childbearing was a “worthwhile lifestyle.”(Oaks, Dallin H; “No Other Gods”, General Conference, October 2013)

In short I have two perspectives. I have 8 years of cohabitation versus 2 years of marriage. I am of the opinion that we as individuals and a society are better off married. Prophets have long counselled us to get married sooner rather than later. I can see how the wisdom of ancient and modern day prophets teaching are supported by modern day statistic’s on the dangers co-habitation as well as the pitfalls that not only present itself to couples but also to the children who are born into those circumstances. Children who’s cohabiting parents split up often have no legal recourse to financial child support.