Post 5 ֎ Creating foundations, vital to a strong marriage.

“Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

“The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what hap-pens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him” – David A Bednar

Some of you might have seen this triangle, I often saw it growing up. Marriage is most successful when both the husband and the wife move toward each other. I know that this has been the case for me during my married life. I have felt closest to Katherine when I have done or fulfilled what I needed to do in my personal obligations to Heavenly Father. A few months ago, I heard about the upside down version of the triangle above from a friend. It boggled my mind a little at first.

While hearing about this variation of the illustration. I learned that if you take away God or place Him as the foundation of our marriage, our marriage will fall flat. Sadly, in my life as in the case in many marriages there has been times when my commitments and obligations to Heavenly Father have not been what it could have been. During this period in our marriage arguments and conflicts tend to be more frequent. Thankfully, the power to change these lulls within a marriage lies in each spouse.

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other” (Hafen, Bruce C, Hawkins et al pg. 28).

Both individuals in a marriage relationship need to be 100 % committed to making the marriage work. In the August of 2014, I attended a wedding of a work college. The Pastor marrying the couple stated being married the first time is the best time and perhaps only time you would have a good go at making your marriage work. He mentioned a few South African stats on marriage. One was that you have a 50% chance of making a marriage work the first time around thereafter, the stats showed that second and subsequent marriages only had a 25% chance of working out. In my experience, I have seen second marriages working out and couples being happily married, but these cases are rare and after talking to a couple that have a successful second marriage, both spouses said that it took a lot of personal and spiritual development accompanied with an unwavering commitment towards each other. These lyrics from Counting Crows’ song Big Yellow Taxi ring true to me: “Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got, Till it’s gone, they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.”

In a marriage, the person who holds the most power is the person who is least inclined to make the marriage work. Another interesting fact is that in most cases if the Husband is willing to change or make amends the marriage stands a greater chance of surviving through the hard times (Saunders. RD, leading with 2020 vision).

I have personally seen this to be true when I, as the husband, have been willing to make amends and do my best to change myself. Be committed to “paving” a marriage paradise can grow into something that both you and your spouse will love, appreciate and nurture.

Friendship

There are many foundational stones in a marriage; I will explore two. One important foundational stone in a marriage is friendship. We first become friends before we become lovers. Marriage rituals are one of many methods one can use to keep a marriage alive.

Elder Marlin K. Jensen of the Seventy (1999, p. 64) emphasized that “a relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.” (Hawkins et al pg. 28)

Marriage rituals are social interactions that are repeated (happen every day or once a year, regularly), coordinated (both know what is expected in the ritual, same space same time), and significant (positive, emotionally meaningful to both parties) activities (Markham, H. Stanley, S.M. Blumberg, S.L. Fighting for Your Marriage. Pg. 136).

Katherine and I like to prepare dinner together when we get home. It allows us time to talk to each and spend time together after being at work most of the day. We would most likely save time preparing dinner before the other got home, but then we would miss out on our time together. This ritual is meaningful to us because it is something that we enjoyed doing together. It subconsciously edifies the feeling of two being better than one.

Speaker listener technique

The second stone is learning to effectively resolve conflict.

This technique involves both partners practicing reflective listening skills. They use an object as the “you got the floor” token. When holding this token, the other party is not allowed to interrupt. When the other gets the floor back, they have to paraphrase what was said before, before they can respond to it (Markham, H. Stanley, S.M. Blumberg, S.L. Fighting for Your Marriage. Pg. 112).

This is a journal entry from last year: “I had a much-needed session with Katherine. I felt very anxious and apprehensive to start this new method of listening, but once we started I could feel the tension fade. Our tones were softer and I gained new insights into what Katherine and I really think and feel about the situation, and not just my own assumptions. What I think and perceive she is feeling about me is not accurate. When she explained how her day goes and how she supports me when she gets home, I realized that I needed to cool down and appreciate what she does. Next time I could do better in rephrasing her concerns and listening better. My heart softened as we did this and I felt like both of us were getting our points across effectively in a calm, controlled way. This conversation helped me feel closer to her and appreciate her more for the efforts she does make to love and support me. Prior to this exercise, I was feeling a lot of anger and frustration in the trials we are experiencing as a couple. I felt unloved and ignored when in fact, I was not giving those same things to my lovely Katherine. How can I expect these things if I am not giving them to her?”

There are many other foundational stones I have not been able to cover in this entry, a few big ones are finances, parenting methods, staying true to marriage vows and spending quality time together. At the center of it all I think is Love. If we truly care and love our significant other most problems, trials or challenges can be overcome. Some days progress may seem slow and on other days it may seem like you are soaring the skies. The key is to be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time, side by side holding hands as you move forward to build something beautiful.